Shots

I could have used a couple shots (lemon drops, preferably) before going to the student health center for Tdap and Hep B vaccinations today. I'm such a baby when it comes to shots! I get all nervous and sweaty, and I feel like I have to get to know the nurse a little better before I let her stick me.

I'm sorry, What was your name again?

Oh! Are those pictures of your family?

Those eyeglass frames are great! Are they new?

Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I'm sure you're very busy.

OK, so my arm is going to be sore for a few days with the Tdap?

I'm right-handed, so, yes, let's put that one in my left arm.

OK. . . Yes, I'm ready.

That wasn't so ba-- The other arm, right.

It's so embarrassing, but I can't help it. I can't even look at the injections! I wonder how this is going to play out when I have to administer a shot. I've yet to be in that situation, but I don't think I have a problem giving other people shots. Just keep the needles away from me.

What can I say, I like my shots in a one ounce glass, not a syringe.

Consistency

I received the results for one of my exams from last week. The hard work payed off -- I got the H! It will be another week or so before I get the results for the customized NBME exam, but I'm pretty sure I got the H on that one as well.

Why can't I be more consistent? Why does it seem like I'm always on some sort of roller coaster?

My wish is to find that right balance that allows me to perform well in school, yet feel like I'm still participating in life. Currently, I'm either in multi-slacking (a la Seth Rogen in Knocked Up) or crazed-gunner (a la Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series) mode. I need to find that sweet spot -- that Tiger Woods setting.

I wish I could, but I can't study non-stop week after week because after a week or two of crazed-gunner mode, I don't want to look at anything related to medical school. And then I fall behind and I'm playing major catch up. However, crazed-gunner mode seems to be the only way for me to get grades in the Honors range.

Friends have suggested a modified crazed-gunner mode, where I still study hard, but take a break every other weekend or so. On these weekends I don't study as much, but meet up with friends and get out for a while. That way I don't feel so isolated or like I'm missing out on life. I think they may be right.

So, on Saturday, I'm off to NYC to visit a friend for the weekend. That means I'm going to have to study hard all week because I'll lose some study time on the weekend. Hopefully, having "scheduled distractions" such as this will help me to feel more balanced and to perform more consistently.

Stir-Crazy

I need to get out! I am so sick of my apartment, my school, the local coffeehouse (which is not so local). I need a change of scenery. I need a change of pace.

Possible getaways before winter break:

• NYC next weekend
• London the week of Thanksgiving
• NYC next weekend

I think I'm leaning toward NYC next weekend. Heck, maybe I'll do both. I've been meaning to visit a college friend in London for 4 (5?) years now. It would be a great-crazy-fun thing to do.

Out

Twenty years ago today, the first National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights was held. That day is probably best remembered for the inaugural display of the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt. One year later, October 11, 1988, the first National Coming Out day was observed to celebrate the March one year earlier. I was just a toddler at time.

For me, coming out has been an ongoing process since my junior year of college. It wasn't difficult for me to accept, but I found it hard to tell that first person. How was one of my best friends going to react? The fear of rejection was strong, but I knew that if I was going to continue in these friendships, I needed to be completely honest and open. I needed to be my whole self. Thankfully, that whole process was very positive.

My experience as an LGBT medical student has been mixed. I was out on my medical school applications and was asked about an LGBT group I was involved with in undergrad during one of my interviews. Some LGBT students choose to hide this kind of information on their applications, but I decided I didn't want to be at a school that didn't want me.

Once I decided to attend my current medical school, I set up a meeting with a faculty member to address some of my concerns about being an LGBT medical student. Did the medical school have an LGBT group? What were LGBT students' experiences like during the clinical years? Was being openly LGBT going to negatively affect my medical education experience? The faculty member's advice was, "It shouldn't matter, but I would just keep it a secret -- like don't ask, don't tell."

I've had several uncomfortable experiences during lectures, where a professor will tell a joke at the expense of the LGBT community. Most in my class laugh, some have no visible response, and some, like me, have that "I can't believe they just said that" look. Do I say something then? Do I confront the professor after class? Do I send them an email telling them I thought their joke was inappropriate? I end up not saying anything because (1) I don't want to come off as hypersensitive and (2) I don't want to be singled out. I already feel like I don't really belong, so why add to that feeling.

I'm out to all of my friends at school, which was a must. I don't believe you can really know and trust someone if you're hiding something. You're always going to keep some distance, which is not what I want in my friendships. As for others in my class? Some have asked me and I've answered affirmatively, but it's not like I've made an announcement. There's no need for that.

Basically, I'm just trying to live an open, genuine, authentic life. I've been doing it since my junior year in college, 7 years ago, and I don't see why I should have to stop now.

Time

If there's something everyone can relate to, it's not having enough time. In medical school, I've found that there's never enough time for sleep; never enough time for exercise; never enough time for grocery shopping; never enough time for errands in general; never enough time for friends; never enough time for family; never enough time to do all the required reading; never enough time for study and review. Yet, somehow, I manage to keep up this blog. . .

Today, I barely had enough time to finish the Customized NBME Exam. We were told that the clock in the upper right hand corner of our screen would not be the official amount of time we had. They, the professors, were giving us 30 additional minutes.

Uh huh. Right.

I was so nervous about this exam, I wasn't taking any chances. I would finish the exam before the clock read 0:00:00. I was slow at first. It took me a good half hour to adjust to looking at the monitor instead of having a paper exam that I could take notes on or circle/underline "buzz words." But I picked up some time on some easy questions and finished the exam with 0:02:17 to spare.

Unfortunately, many of my classmates didn't finish before the "unofficial time" ran out. When the clock read 0:00:00, it locked them out of the exam and they could not finish. Minor technical difficulty. The professors and IT people were working over the phone with the NBME people, but they couldn't come up with a solution.

So, what happens to those who couldn't finish? It's unclear. Of course, the rumor mill is working overtime. I've heard everything from "I'm sure they'll get to finish sometime later this week" to "They'll just have to eat those points" to "They'll have to take the whole exam over again" to "Everyone is going to have to take a NEW exam."

Thanks to my mad studying, I think I did OK -- I don't want to take another exam. But bottom line: I don't have time for this . . . nonsense.